Big Bang Theory

Big Bang Theory

Quite a few years before CBS came up with its "Big Bang Theory," scientists came up with The Big Bang Theory to describe the beginning of the universe as we know it.  It seems all, or virtually all the mass (material) in the universe came together in one relatively small place and exploded.  The explosion sent this mass in all directions.  As it flew outward, it came together forming stars, planets, and all the known stellar bodies and organizations of same.  Our earth and sun are a part of a celestial grouping of stars and other bodies of mass known to us as the "milky way." 

Various groups would tell you the age of this universe to be from something over 6,000 (+/-) years to several billion years.  Each group having a number to pose as the age of this universe has their reasons, I'm sure.  I don't particularly care what number you wish to choose--that's your business.  What I'd like to do is describe how that "big bang" came about. 

Call this "Steve's Big Bang Initiation Theory," which I will shorten to SBBIT in the following discussion.  Since I wasn't actually there (unlike some others?), I can't swear to my version's accuracy or sufficiency.  I can only claim my version to be just as likely as anyone else's.

My SBBIT assumes the existence of a creator.  This is done using the assumption that if there is a "creation," there must be a "creator."  Furthermore, I will call my "creator" "God."  If that causes you major problems, you can stop reading now. 

I will also use some of the notions that were passed along to me by various undisputable sources--my mother, father, and preschool Sunday school teachers.  Again, if that causes you major problems....

The SBBIT goes something like this:

One day there were two young angels-in-training (AITs) who were taking the day off from their school (cutting) to try out a few things.  One thing they wanted to try out was this substance they had received from one of the elder angels, a guy known as Satan.  Ole Sate knew a few things, you see, and he was always sharing with the AITs in the hope that they would look up to him just like they looked up to the old guy, God.

Our AITs went down to the Park-by-the-Sea in Heaven (Heaven is what God called their world,) and went back next to the trees at the edge of the park where the outhouses were kept.  Behind the outhouses was a drop off and nobody ever went there--except for the AITs.  Our AITs took their substance (called "tobacco") and a package of what Sate called "rolling papers," and sat down with their backs to one of the older outhouses that had been taken out of service awaiting work by the celestial sanitary engineers.  Rolling a "joint" the way Sate explained, our AITs were ready to try "smoking."

Taking a match he had stolen from his celestial mother, the older AIT began to light his "joint." 

Then, to use an overworked metaphor of the mortals, "All hell broke loose."  The old outhouse was, you see, full of celestial crap.  This celestial crap had been fermenting and the outhouse was full of celestial methane, some of which was blowing out a celestial nail hole right at our two AITs.  There was a celestial explosion.  Pieces of the outhouse went everywhere.  The celestial crap, thanks to a celestial bubble at the bottom of the hole, went straight up towards the blackness of God's celestial ceiling. 

Now, celestial crap is a good bit different from the crap we are used to here on earth.  It is heavy and full of every element "under the sun" (hah!)  As a matter of fact, most items in God's heaven being spiritual in nature, there wasn't much of anything there with any mass at all with the exception of the material God had been storing in that one, neglected, outhouse.  Of course, God knew exactly what he was doing, and those two AITs were just doing what they were destined to do in God's scheme of things.  They both rolled down the hill, astonished, if unhurt.  They went to God and explained things.  God granted them absolution (what else, for doing what he planned) and sent them off to class, where they went gladly.  Satan lost one more of his seventy times seven forgivenesses, which really didn't matter since he was determined to use 'em all up anyway.

The celestial pile of crap, once it hit the ceiling, barreled on through and kept on flying.  After it passed through the ceiling, a considerable bit of it in the middle went "critical" exploding into suns, causing the mass to fly apart in all directions.  Some became planets, some asteroids, and some just interstellar "crap."  As this all moved apart (at warp speed?) something called gravity began to take over organizing the various bits into some things we now call "galaxies." God looked up at his new sky and was pleased.  The little twinkling lights were an improvement over the original blackness.  He decided to take a bit of well-deserved time off and then get back to work on one small piece of material that would be called "earth."  All was (and still is) well.   

Talk to your physicists if you must, but I doubt they will be able to disprove one single word of this explanation of their "big bang."  Thank you mother; thank you father, and thank you, Mrs. Robinson, et al., in Sunday schools from Indiana to Alabama, and quite a few points in between.

One little bit of explanation must be made, though.  I "believe" I substantially wrote this several years and several crashed computers ago.  That being said, it's possible I just "read" it several years ago and liked it so much that I wished it were my own.  If anyone out there knows which of these scenarios is true, and can prove it, I would be more than appreciative to know where "truth" lies in the matter of this little tale.