The Plan

I think I'll start going over to North Augusta, to the boat launch area on the Savannah River, every day.  I'll time my trip to get me there just before dawn so I'll be able to sit on a bench in the woods and watch the sun rise through the trees and listen to the birds welcome the day.  There'll be a few others around, from time to time, fishermen launching their boats, an occasional bird watcher, but they'll leave me alone with my thoughts--most won't even know I'm there.  And, oh yes, did I mention before I begin my morning meditations, I'm going to jump into the river?  This should wake me thoroughly, help me stay clean (nah,) and, on those warm summer days, keep me cool and refreshed as I "do my own thing."  What if it gets cold?  Well, it will get cold, fairly soon, I expect, but the water temperature isn't all that cold now and probably won't get that cold that fast.  Of course, when I get out, that's another story.  Maybe I'll take an old blanket with me.  In any case, I'm going to do what I'm going to do--that's just the way I am. 

What if people try to convince me to dry off and warm up in their car?  I'll be polite to them, I may even tell them I agree with them, but I'll just continue doing what I'm doing (I enjoy it, sometimes) and they'll give up, eventually, and leave me alone.  But, they say, the winter's coming on. You'll get too cold.  You'll get sick. 

Who do they think they are? They don't really know me.  I know what's best for me, after all.  Sure, I have my problems, but I'm the smart one here.  And what if I do get sick?  It's my body, and no one's gonna tell me what I can and can't do to it.  Sure, I love my family, but they don't really understand, either.  Nobody really understands how I really feel.

Yes, I'm cold.  Yes, those are my teeth chattering.  (Can't you see I'm shivering?)  Sure, I look bad, but what's it to you?  OK, maybe tomorrow I won't jump in the water.  That's right, tomorrow...maybe...

Oh, Hell!  Why don't you just go away and leave me alone!

     (I need help.)

            (c   o      l           d     ...    .    )

Well, that was the plan, anyway.  All I wanted was a little peace and quiet, a chance to be alone and collect my thoughts, maybe plan my day.  What went wrong?  It couldn't have been that "jump into the water" bit.  I like the water.  I've been jumping into the water for years.  I just jumped once, and I didn't stay long.  I can't imagine not jumping in, really. 

Maybe I'll try again, as soon as they let me out of this place--my psychiatrist says it won't be too much longer.

stephen v geddes